Moments of grace come unexpectedly.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Good Morning
A little morning serenade for you, from Carina Round.
Carina Round | A Take Away Show from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.
It may be small but it is my anchor
It's funny how one little letter can have so much meaning. This is my new tattoo. The letter I in Times New Roman font. After years of trying to figure myself out, I realize how often I lose myself; to work, to school, to love. I need a reminder. This is it. This is my anchor.
Next year I'm going to move to Montreal. I'm going to live on my own and work hard at it. In high school I never had any goals. Now that I have them, the most difficult part is realizing that hard work is how you get it. This time is set aside for me. After focusing on my family and taking care of my almost eight-year old little brother since he was born, I finally have the chance to think about myself.
My mind is as taut as harp strings. I have fantasies of my future apartment that will smell like baked cookies. It will be full of plants and scattered paper. I can already picture myself sitting at a desk in front of a window, my hair messy with bags under my eyes from writing essays and short stories for school.
These fantasies are songs that play in my head. It keeps me going and I tap my fingers to their rhythm.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
A new breath
Sitting on a desk in the 6th floor of the Vancouver Central Public Library, I'm supposed to be working on the third installation of my novella for Creative Writing class. But here I am, staring at the fantastic depth of field out my window created by the towering apartment buildings. Do you think whoever planned out the city thought about what it would look like at certain angles? Would he have sat back after making the blueprint and closed his eyes and imagined what the cityscape would look like from the 6th floor of the library, third desk from the escalators?
If you look at the view of the buildings in Brussels, you will see character. The city has gone through many phases and disasters. There was a fire that engulfed most of the wooden buildings and they found themselves having to rebuild.
Many people I spoke to found it ugly. I thought it was beautiful. I started to compare it to other cities. For example, Paris, will always be nonchalantly charming. But if these cities were people, I would choose Brussels as my friend. Brussels has gone through many things and is not afraid to hide it. Looking at the cityscape of the city would be looking at its past, its mistakes and accomplishments.
This is how I want to live my life. I am not afraid to show what I have done, even if it was stupid and full of mistakes and in turn will keep a modest outlook even on my accomplishments. I regret nothing and bare all. But even as I say this, I know I am still in the making. Even now, I can feel myself preparing for something bigger than this. Everything I am doing is merely preparation for the things I am capable of. I have to keep moving, I have to keep growing.
I just turned twenty-two and since then, I've felt like I have grown up so much. This has been one of the most difficult years of my life. Learning about yourself is a hard thing, especially when you're your own teacher. We're all just experiments most of the time. For me, it felt like being by myself was the control and being placed in my first relationship, let alone a long distance one was a variable. I couldn't understand myself unless I saw it in a different situation. I'm not saying that it takes a man for a woman to realize who she is. That's what I feared for the longest time. But I realized that gender has nothing to do with it. I'm used to all types of love but I have never experienced romantic love let alone from a best friend. I guess what I'm trying to articulate so poorly is that sometimes you just have to let your guard down and let someone else love you. Don't be selfish. Sometimes all you need is a companion.
Whoa. A pigeon just walked by the window sill and it terrified me because I thought it was a person. Remember how I said I was on the 6th floor?
If you look at the view of the buildings in Brussels, you will see character. The city has gone through many phases and disasters. There was a fire that engulfed most of the wooden buildings and they found themselves having to rebuild.
Many people I spoke to found it ugly. I thought it was beautiful. I started to compare it to other cities. For example, Paris, will always be nonchalantly charming. But if these cities were people, I would choose Brussels as my friend. Brussels has gone through many things and is not afraid to hide it. Looking at the cityscape of the city would be looking at its past, its mistakes and accomplishments.
This is how I want to live my life. I am not afraid to show what I have done, even if it was stupid and full of mistakes and in turn will keep a modest outlook even on my accomplishments. I regret nothing and bare all. But even as I say this, I know I am still in the making. Even now, I can feel myself preparing for something bigger than this. Everything I am doing is merely preparation for the things I am capable of. I have to keep moving, I have to keep growing.
I just turned twenty-two and since then, I've felt like I have grown up so much. This has been one of the most difficult years of my life. Learning about yourself is a hard thing, especially when you're your own teacher. We're all just experiments most of the time. For me, it felt like being by myself was the control and being placed in my first relationship, let alone a long distance one was a variable. I couldn't understand myself unless I saw it in a different situation. I'm not saying that it takes a man for a woman to realize who she is. That's what I feared for the longest time. But I realized that gender has nothing to do with it. I'm used to all types of love but I have never experienced romantic love let alone from a best friend. I guess what I'm trying to articulate so poorly is that sometimes you just have to let your guard down and let someone else love you. Don't be selfish. Sometimes all you need is a companion.
Whoa. A pigeon just walked by the window sill and it terrified me because I thought it was a person. Remember how I said I was on the 6th floor?
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Random Memory
I think I was about four years old. We were still in the Philippines then and we all slept beside each other on the floor. There would always be bugs every now and then, mosquitoes amongst other things but this particular time, I was bitten by a gigantic cockroach on the eye. It swelled up pretty big. That's pretty much all I remember.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Wandâfuru raifu (After Life)
What is the one memory you would take with you?
"At the time, I searched desperately inside myself for any memory of happiness. Now, fifty years later I've learned I was part of someone else's happiness. What a wonderful discovery. You too... someday will find this."
I watched this film Wandâfuru raifu (After Life) directed by Hirokazu Koreeda and it gets you thinking about your own life. The basic synopsis of this film: After people die, you stay in a place for a week, and you have to choose one memory in your life that you will live in for the rest of eternity. It does not matter what type of person you were in your previous life, whether good or bad, everybody ends up here. You have 3 days to choose and a small group of staff help you remember, then eventually recreate it into film to refresh your mind. Eternity follows.
This got me reminiscing and thinking about all the things i`ve done in my life. I cannot think of one specific memory I would love to live in for all eternity but if I was under the same pressure, it would certainly make a difference on my decision making. Instead of thinking hard enough for a memory that`s worth an eternity, all I keep thinking about now is my future, of all the opportunities I can have to make new memories. Get back to me 50 years from now and maybe then, I would be satisfied enough to make a clear decision.
"At the time, I searched desperately inside myself for any memory of happiness. Now, fifty years later I've learned I was part of someone else's happiness. What a wonderful discovery. You too... someday will find this."
I watched this film Wandâfuru raifu (After Life) directed by Hirokazu Koreeda and it gets you thinking about your own life. The basic synopsis of this film: After people die, you stay in a place for a week, and you have to choose one memory in your life that you will live in for the rest of eternity. It does not matter what type of person you were in your previous life, whether good or bad, everybody ends up here. You have 3 days to choose and a small group of staff help you remember, then eventually recreate it into film to refresh your mind. Eternity follows.
This got me reminiscing and thinking about all the things i`ve done in my life. I cannot think of one specific memory I would love to live in for all eternity but if I was under the same pressure, it would certainly make a difference on my decision making. Instead of thinking hard enough for a memory that`s worth an eternity, all I keep thinking about now is my future, of all the opportunities I can have to make new memories. Get back to me 50 years from now and maybe then, I would be satisfied enough to make a clear decision.
1965 Sunbeam Tiger
So I`m walking home after buying some trench coats, books and a new teapot from the thrift store when this car pulls up in front of me, looking petite, charming and inviting. A 1965 Sunbeam Tiger. I watch in awe as it passes by and i`m not usually one to ogle at cars but this one had a certain je ne sais quoi about it. I just imagined the driver to be this man wearing a nicely tailored suit, ducktail hair, stylish but modest shoes, a little mustache and a red tie. That would`ve been the scenario in my head but in reality, he was just a middle aged man wearing sweats.
A List of things I am currently obsessing about (in the most harmless interpretation of the word)
1- TRAVELING
I have such an itch to go somewhere that my heartbeats whenever I see an airplane, trains, anything that can transport me to somewhere unknown and foreign, somewhere I can indulge in new feelings and adventures. I want the long voyages, the isolation, the tribulations, man vs. nature. More specifically, I want to go to exotic, uncharted and extreme places, places most people can only reach in their sleep, amidst dreams.
2- MY LIST OF THINGS TO ACCOMPLISH SO I CAN ENHANCE MYSELF
I started this list whilst traveling, just things that nag in my head, things that i want to do because this is how I see myself in the future. I want to make all this happen. I now believe in myself so much, not to the point of being oblivious to failure but enough to dare to even try.
Examples of things on my list: Become a photographer for National Geographic, get published, read Braille, pick up tap dancing (again), grow a spice garden
3- COOKING/BAKING
After returning from my trip around Europe, I had a spirit of a European (pastry)chef possess me and ever since I got back, I have been cooking but mostly baking almost everyday. I started with crepes, then cream puffs, spinach dip, tortilla chips, cookies, cherry pie, blue berry pie, etc etc. I can't stop. And I don't think I want to.
4- SOUTHERN UNITED STATES
I'm actually quite ignorant about the Southern United States but something about it draws me in. Maybe I used to live there in a past life or maybe this interest sparks from the movies I've seen and books I've read about Southern hospitality, gentility and their manners. It could also be this mystery surrounding the stereotypes about the culture that I want to shatter and unearth. I want to know about their history, every bit of it, the good and the bad, the fantasized and the gritty. There's also something oddly fascinating that draws me into the sing song accent that they have. I'm completely charmed.
5- WRITING TO MYSELF (more than usual)
I have always wrote letters to myself, sometimes to my old self, most times to my future self and not quite as much to my present self. But lately it hasn't even spanned into a letter but just little notes everywhere, in my lap top's notepad, in books that i'm reading, scrap pieces of paper I can find anywhere, my wrist, some tissue, etc. For example, on the ceiling above my bed, I have these words in big bold letters: "Get up, your life is waiting." It's motivation for me. I have so many goals to accomplish that I need a push, even if it's from myself, it's reassuring that I want to do something so bad that I will listen to myself, not just others.
(EDIT)
6- TRUE BLOOD
NO EXPLANATION NEEDED.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
15 Significant Books in My Life (at the moment)
List fifteen books you've read that will always stick with you. Please note which books you recommend the most. These ones are what stick out at the moment. These books taught me important lessons in my life in no particular order.
1-Light in the Attic
by: Shel Silverstein
First time I ever received a book from a friend was with this book. Emily gave it to me in elementary school and I always treasured it.
`Last night while I lay thinking here
Some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
And pranced and partied all night long
And sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?...`
2- Siddhartha
by: Herman Hesse
Reading this opened up my mind to a bigger picture. I used this quote and put it in a locket and wore it everywhere to keep as a mantra and to help me go on through the monotonous days.
`This was his thirst, his sorrow`
3-Catcher in the Rye
by: J.D. Salinger
I know everybody will have this book but the story is not necessarily why I picked this but because this was what I was reading in a particular time in my life and I kept secrets and other memorabilias pressed in my torn and old version of this book.
4- David Copperfield
by: Charles Dickens
This one taught me that everybody has their own story. No matter how you see people or not see them, there`s more to everybody than what they portray. There are experiences and hardships that are beyond your imagination and only they have been through. Plus it taught me to wish that maybe when i`m older I can get paid to write by the word (This is nt actually acurate, Charles Dickens was paid by installments)
5- The Chrysalids
by: John Wyndham
MLS! Really opened my imagination.
6-Tess of the D'urbevilles
by: Thomas Hardy
This is a cautionary tale for me. Be careful of people you meet, how you act, what you say and even if you`re the most careful person in the world who doesn`t even dare to swim after eating, the love of your life can betray you because humans suck and so does fate and you can end up with everything lost and yourself hung for murder.
7-HP books
by: J.K. Rowling
I grew up with the gang. They were my obsession.
8-To Kill a Mockingbird
by: Harper Lee
Great story. Atticus is my ideal father.
9-Pride and Prejudice
by: Jane Austen
This is why i`m a hopeless romantic, because of a great, witty writer who ironically died a spinster. It was also the beginning of my interest in classic novels.
10-Persuasion
by: Jane Austen
There are always second chances and it is usually rewarded to the patient and modest people.
11-The Giver
by: Lois Lowry
Fantastic book. Made me appreciate our society and the freedom that live within it.
12- World Atlas
We used to have a gigantic one at home and I always sat on top of it, dreaming of living in a new and foreign place every six months.
13- Welcome to the Monkey house
by: Kurt Vonnegut
Creativity is best served witty and random.
14- Thesaurus
Best invention ever.
15- The Arch of Kerguelen:Voyage to the Islands of Desolation
by: Jean-Paul Kauffmann
This is for right now. I`m currently obsessing over frozen voyages through the North or South Pole, of sailing through desolate and tempestuous waters and discovering lonely isles in the middle of nowhere.
Honorable Mentions: Dictionary, The Bible
1-Light in the Attic
by: Shel Silverstein
First time I ever received a book from a friend was with this book. Emily gave it to me in elementary school and I always treasured it.
`Last night while I lay thinking here
Some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
And pranced and partied all night long
And sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?...`
2- Siddhartha
by: Herman Hesse
Reading this opened up my mind to a bigger picture. I used this quote and put it in a locket and wore it everywhere to keep as a mantra and to help me go on through the monotonous days.
`This was his thirst, his sorrow`
3-Catcher in the Rye
by: J.D. Salinger
I know everybody will have this book but the story is not necessarily why I picked this but because this was what I was reading in a particular time in my life and I kept secrets and other memorabilias pressed in my torn and old version of this book.
4- David Copperfield
by: Charles Dickens
This one taught me that everybody has their own story. No matter how you see people or not see them, there`s more to everybody than what they portray. There are experiences and hardships that are beyond your imagination and only they have been through. Plus it taught me to wish that maybe when i`m older I can get paid to write by the word (This is nt actually acurate, Charles Dickens was paid by installments)
5- The Chrysalids
by: John Wyndham
MLS! Really opened my imagination.
6-Tess of the D'urbevilles
by: Thomas Hardy
This is a cautionary tale for me. Be careful of people you meet, how you act, what you say and even if you`re the most careful person in the world who doesn`t even dare to swim after eating, the love of your life can betray you because humans suck and so does fate and you can end up with everything lost and yourself hung for murder.
7-HP books
by: J.K. Rowling
I grew up with the gang. They were my obsession.
8-To Kill a Mockingbird
by: Harper Lee
Great story. Atticus is my ideal father.
9-Pride and Prejudice
by: Jane Austen
This is why i`m a hopeless romantic, because of a great, witty writer who ironically died a spinster. It was also the beginning of my interest in classic novels.
10-Persuasion
by: Jane Austen
There are always second chances and it is usually rewarded to the patient and modest people.
11-The Giver
by: Lois Lowry
Fantastic book. Made me appreciate our society and the freedom that live within it.
12- World Atlas
We used to have a gigantic one at home and I always sat on top of it, dreaming of living in a new and foreign place every six months.
13- Welcome to the Monkey house
by: Kurt Vonnegut
Creativity is best served witty and random.
14- Thesaurus
Best invention ever.
15- The Arch of Kerguelen:Voyage to the Islands of Desolation
by: Jean-Paul Kauffmann
This is for right now. I`m currently obsessing over frozen voyages through the North or South Pole, of sailing through desolate and tempestuous waters and discovering lonely isles in the middle of nowhere.
Honorable Mentions: Dictionary, The Bible
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